


To Punch A Pigeon

by ImPanicingAtTheDisco



Category: The 100
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirate, F/F, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 16:17:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18076751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImPanicingAtTheDisco/pseuds/ImPanicingAtTheDisco
Summary: The second curse was maybe, just maybe, a little bit my fault.  I told a woman to either get out of my way or bugger off. She was, you guessed it, a witch. That curse was probably my least favorite. It made everyone who looked a me believe that I was sexually attracted to owls, and I’ll tell you, every time I had to go in public made me want to be a hermit. The worst time was when a person was smiling and nodding as I passed. I’m still concerned about that.





	To Punch A Pigeon

**Author's Note:**

> Wassup my dudes. So, this was originally posted last year as a Bellark fic. I deleted it and went in a different direction. Have fun reading it!

To Punch A Pigeon

 

You know, if you would have told me yesterday that an angry sea-witch was going to curse me to die unless I gave my heart to someone I loved...well. I would probably laugh and agree with you. I, unfortunately, seem to be a magnant for curses.

When I set sail on  my first voyage all those years ago, I was cursed to have frogs fall from my mouth every time I spoke for a month. If I think about enough I can still taste it. Oh wait. Yep. There it is. The taste of mildew, swamp water, and possibly frog feces. I swear if I could pay to have that memory removed then I would.

The second curse was maybe, just maybe, a little bit my fault.  I told a woman to either get out of my way or bugger off. She was, you guessed it, a witch. That curse was probably my least favorite. It made everyone who looked a me believe that I was sexually attracted to owls, and I’ll tell you, every time I had to go in public made me want to be a hermit. The worst time was when a person was smiling and nodding as I passed. I’m still concerned about that. 

The next curse was definitely in no way my fault...probably. I was trying to hurry to my favorite bakers shop to get a honey cake (so good), and I tripped over someone and we fell into a heap of limbs and irritation. She cursed me to need to pee every time I heard water. Yeah. Every. Single. Time. I live on a boat. Guess how that went.

The last curse I don’t remember. Apparently, that’s a good thing, as according to my crew mates I suddenly contracted an aversion to clothing. As in, I wouldn’t wear clothes no matter who tried to get me to. A piece of advice - if the port governor is visiting the ships at port and you are running around stark naked like a crazy woman, just make sure that you have a friend who will push you off the docks in order to avoid your immediate arrest.

The curse I have now could be worse. The witch I was talking to didn’t seem to understand sarcasm. Unfortunately, I can’t stop using sarcasm. She said that she cursed people to find love or die and I said “Hit me up next.” She laughed and said “Sure, why not.” and then hit me up next and refused to change it. She rolled her eyes at me and said that I would have seven years to find true love before I died. 

As I didn’t want to spend my life chasing after something that might not exist, I never told my crew. Eventually the Captain Jaha stepped down and retired, and named me as his successor. The crew was cool with it. They said that I had natural talent. (Well, their exact words were “You think of the dumbest, most complicated way to possibly do things, but you get them done so no one cares.”)

Inspiring.

Anyways, that was about six years ago. I might have lost track of exactly how much time I have left. It could be a lot worse. At least when it happens I’ll have my crew with me, so I won’t have to die alone. 

I’m thinking about maybe having one last score. If I have to go, then I’m going out with a bang.

Oh yeah. In case I forgot to tell you, we’re pirates. Oops.

Anyways, for this last job,  there’s this guy, right. Rich as can be. Like, standing-on-top-of-an-ivory-tower-while-throwing-his-extra-golden-toilet-paper-at-the-peasants kind of rich. 

The reason that I want to rob him isn’t completely about the money. The reason is that after the whole owl thing, he wouldn’t let it go. Every time he saw me he yelled “Owl girl!” and  then made weird gestures while his cronies snickered. 

“Hey Clarke!” called a voice from behind me. 

“What do you want Kane?” I yelled back.

“...Well if you weren’t being all persnickety then I would tell you that we will be pulling into port soon but nevermind.” He sniffs, turning away to go grouch to his friends.

He tries to act all tough, but Kane’s like a father to me. He keeps me out of trouble and makes sure that I’m not going to get arrested and sent to prison.

I can’t stop grinning as we leave the ship for the bustling city. Most people believe that the ocean is where I do my business, but that’s only partially true. The seas are just for kiddie play time. Cities are my true hunting ground. 

But the thing that makes this particular city may favorite are the random things that you hear in it, such as the random guy I passed calmly saying “I know what this looks like, and I honestly have no explanation as to why this kind gentleman got himself killed by my big toe.” See what I mean?

I hear someone yelling at me from somewhere in the crush of people behind me. 

“Captain Griffin. Hey. Captain!” I turned and saw that the yells were coming from a rather small, dirt-encrusted girl. She was panting when she caught up with me. In between gasps for air, she managed to get her message across. “ _ She  _ wants to see you.”

The she the girl mentioned was, in fact, one of the most powerful people in the world. She possessed the wits of a general, the awe-inspiring power of a monarch, and had completely earned her followers fanatic-like loyalty. She was in the business of overseeing every criminal organization currently known to man. 

The crime lords pay her protection money, and she keeps them out of prison. There were stories of gangs refusing to pay, and ending up in prison or even dead within a week. Her name was Octavia.

A vague sense of panic begins to flow through me as I stand before her, wondering if I would be the next body found dead in the streets. 

She slowly glances over me before speaking. “You would like to know why you’re here, yes?” The words are quick and sharp, used to being obeyed.

I nod slowly, wondering if this could be a trap. 

She tosses me a little pouch. I carefully opened it and pulled out a miniscule, carefully carved golden figure the size of my thumb nail. 

“What’s this?” I ask, my confusion creeping it’s way into my tone.

I can practically hear the smugness in her voice as she leans forward and speaks. “This, Captain Griffin, is a talisman. A talisman that gets rid of curses.” She raises an eyebrow. “Heaven knows that you need it.”

I narrow my eyes. “Wait. How do you know about that.” 

She makes a dismissive gesture with her hand as she relaxes back into her seat. “I know everything, captain, it’s part of the job. Now if you want this, and I know that you do, then I need you to call of your little heist and do me a small favor.” 

I toss the talisman back to her an cross my arms. “Yeah? Well that depends on what kind of favor we are talking about here.”

Seren laughs. “Calm yourself. It’s nothing difficult. I just need you to get something for me.”

I have to stop biting my lip so I can answer. “What do you need me to get.” It can’t possibly be that bad, right?

The she looks me dead in the eyes and says, “I need you to steal Blackbeard’s pinky toe ring.” There is not a single hint of a joke in her eyes.

“Um...no disrespect but...are you serious?” I stutter, sure that she was going to either laugh or have me beheaded at any second.

She shakes her head. “No, I’m perfectly serious. He stole my shoe a week ago and I demand retribution. And before you ask, yes, I do know why he stole my shoe.”

I shake my head a bit, ninety percent sure that I was dreaming. “May I ask why.” There was no way I couldn’t ask. There had to be an AMAZING reason for the most feared pirate on the seven seas to have stolen her shoe.

She sniffs, a look of vague disgust passing briefly across her face. “He has....” She wrinkles her nose as she spoke. “A foot fetish.” 

Oh god. OH MY GOD. DO NOT LAUGH. I have to press my nails into my palms and look at the wall to try and hold in the laughter. “And um...how long do I have to get the ring.” I begin to practice some deep breathing techniques to keep the laughter inside of me. It takes me pressing my nails into my palms to get the giggles to subside. 

She stands. “I’ll give you a week.” She snaps her fingers and a servant appears from seemingly nowhere, obviously here to escort me out. “Good luck, Clarke.” 

My head is swimming as I leave. She wants a pinky ring, she knows my name AND about my curse, and oh, yeah, BLACKBEARD HAS A FOOT FETISH. How has my day turned out like this. 

When I get back to my ship, I gather my crew around. “Okay guys, there’s a small change of plans about the heist. We aren’t doing it.”

My first mate Lexa starts laughing. “Whew, Captain, you tell a good one. I tell you that.” I just keep staring, until her laughter dies out. 

“Wait what!? You can’t be serious. You have been planning this for years.” She sounds shocked, which is weird for me, as she isn’t the one who knew about Blackbeard’s apparent foot fetish.

I give up and flop face down onto the deck. “Ugh, guys, it’s complicated. Octavia called me in today, she said she needed me to do something.”

A hush falls over the crew. A voice pipes up. “Do you mean, like  _ Octavia  _ Octavia? That Octavia?”

I roll over onto my back and cross my arms over my chest as I answer. “Why yes, I  _ do _ mean that Octavia. She told me I need to get her something from Blackbeard.” I can’t  tell them about the ring, because that would lead to questions, and then they could find out about my curse. They can’t find out. They’ll worry, and then I can’t make them a happy before I go.

Lexa pokes me with her foot. “Hey. Captain. Can you tell us what she wants you to get?”

I sigh as I finally get up and dust myself off. “No. She said that I wasn’t to tell anyone, under penalty of death.” There, that should make them stop questions.

Lexa looked over to Kane. He shrugged. She rolled her eyes and started yelling at the crew. “Alright, what are you waiting on! Captain says we’re going, then we’re going. Get a move on!”

That was four days ago. I’m standing on the deck now, with Blackbeard’s ship on the burning red horizon under a broken-glass sky, daring me to deflower their Captains pinky toe. 

Kane walks up beside me. “Are ya ready lassie? Because this could get dangerous.” He leans over and elbows me, wrinkles deepening around his eyes as he smiles. 

I elbow him back and grin. “I got this, old man.”

As we boarded the ship, I suddenly felt the urge to laugh. Hysteria bubbled in my throat as I picture holding down the most powerful pirate in the world, ripping off his shoes, touching his probably fungus-ridden toes, and taking off his pinky ring. 

Oh no. I can’t touch his feet. HE’LL LIKE IT!!!

I made myself focus as we stepped aboard. I didn’t have time to freak out over touching a pirates crusty feet.

Suddenly a scream sounded from our right. “Enemies aboard! Sound the alarm, enemies aboard!” Oh for the love of-

I gave a look to my people and nodded. “You know what to do.”

Five minutes later Blackbeard was laying hogtied at my feet, with his crew blubbering in the background, with some random person in a fluffy wolf costume screaming about furries rights.

The bearded Captain snarled as he struggled against the ropes. “You’ll never take me alive, I’ll die before-”

I cut him off. “No no. We’re not here for any kidnapping or murder.”

He frowns and stops struggling. “Wait, what?”

“Well, you see,” I say as I squat down to the deck. “You might have slightly irritated someone with your foot fetish.”

He begins to blush loudly. “What foot fetish? I don’t even know what that is! What are you even talking about!” His voice goes up three octaves as he blusters. 

“Yeah, yeah whatever.” I roll my eyes as I wave my helmsman forward. “John, the ring if you please. And would someone  _ please _ tell the furry to shut up.”

As he moves forward, I see disgust absolutely dripping from his face. I hear snatches of outraged mutters from under his breath. “Stupid feet. Stupid fungus. Oh god, what even  _ is  _ this!?” 

I’m stifling snickers when he gets up and hands me the ring. “Thank you, Mr. Murphy, for your brave service.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just get back to port so I can take a bath and get rid of this stench.” He grumbles, intensely scrubbing his hands on his clothes.

An affronted gasp sounds from Blackbeard. “What stench? I’m the cleanest person on this ship, you peasants!” 

As we sail away, I can hear him screaming at his crew in the distance. “If any of you even  _ think _ about what just happened ever again, then I will personally flay the skin from your bones.”

The last thing I hear from his ship is one of his crew giggling and saying “With what, your feet.”

I’m sitting with my crew, laughing about today’s events when it hits me. A sharp, lancing pain shooting through my whole body. Oh that’s not right. I clutch my arms around my chest, crumpling to the ground. 

I can vaguely hear someone trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t hear over the thudding in my head. Huh. This must be the curse. I guess it’s all over. I can’t believe I stole the pinky ring for nothing.

I relax. I have my family. They’re here with me, and this wasn’t really the worst way to go. I look at the stars and close my eyes. Pirates have died in much more violent ways, so compared to that I guess being killed by a curse isn’t too bad.

Suddenly, the pain stops. Just in time to feel Lexa slapping me, and  _ apparently, she has the strength of Hercules. _

I sat up yelling. “LEXA! Why did you do that?” 

She glanced at the floor. “Well, I thought you were dying so I-” She trails off as I stare unblinkingly at her. Who even cares if she slapped me I’M ALIVE!

I’m  jumping up and nearly knocking her over as I hugged her and yelled “I’m still alive!”

It ends up taking a couple hours of explanations and Kane alternating with Lexa for their turn for slapping the back of my head while complaining about me keeping to many secrets, but I finally explain everything. Turns out they were just as confused as I was. 

How was I alive? I didn’t fall in love with someone, so what had happened? As these thoughts are flying through my mind, a pigeon lands next to me.

I move to shoo it away, but then I notice that it has a message wrapped around it’s foot. I carefully remove and read it. It said the following: “Dear Captain Clarke Griffin, just wanted to let you know that the curse wasn’t real. The thought of you worrying about it for seven years while not actually being cursed was just really funny to me. Got you. -Love, your one and only arch-nemesis, the witch who fake-cursed you.”

I scream and punch the pigeon into the water.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, hope u liked it! As always, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them here or hmu on tumblr at theypanickedatthewrongdisco.
> 
> Don't forget to smash that kudos button on the way out! See you next time lovelies <3


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